Sydney’s Birthday

Sweet Sydney (photo courtesy of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep)

The anniversary of the best day of my life is approaching. Sydney’s birthday. Next Sunday, March 14 at 5:45 PM will mark the day that beautiful baby came into my life.

In my mind, I imagine what she would have been like as a healthy baby if she were alive right now. She’d be walking. I would protest that she was still a baby and not a toddler. She would run to me smiling. And I would pick her up, kiss and hold her close. I would whisper secrets in her little ear.

I would make up stories, just for her. She would gaze at me with wonder in her eyes. In her own way, she would tell me things and show me things. I would dance for her and with her, I would make up songs. She would run after Anakin, and he would let her gently tug on his tail. I would then say, “love the animals, baby,” and she would pet him gently, and look up at me for an approving smile. We would go to Trader Joe’s to shop together. I would say, “Look baby Peanut, pink tulips!” And I would talk to her all the time.

She would sleep, and I would check in on her. I would watch her sweet slumber; closed lids with long eyelashes.  Her hair would be growing in soft, blonde tendrils. And my favorite moment of each day would be when she opened up her blue eyes in the morning, and reach for me to get her.

The snow is starting to melt. At night, the melted snow re-freezes to ice, almost like the Frozen Tundra that is Minnesota can’t let go of the winter. Grief is like that. It starts to transform, then goes back to its original form. But then eventually, flowers bloom. Spring will come.

I don’t want to be sad on her birthday. I want to celebrate her life, however short. I want to celebrate that I was with her for each one of her 186 days, and that she and I were together, just us, from June 2008 when she was conceived to the day she was born. I would talk to her all the time then, she was with me then, but I couldn’t hold her or kiss her. I carry her with me much in the same way now. She is always with me.

But no, it’s not enough. It will never be enough. My heart aches for my daughter. I miss her so much.

Today I bought pink tulips- I have them in bud vases all around my apartment. A sweet reminder of my Sydney, my life in “Holland,” and how she changed me, changed my heart forever.

Love,
Sylvie

Tags: Sylvie Stephens