Mother’s Day Without a Child

Mother’s Day is coming up. The evening before my first Mother’s Day last year I discovered a terrible secret that changed the course of my life. My first Mother’s Day was spent alone in the NICU with my baby, crying uncontrollably, in shock. My heart was broken. But I had my sweet 2 month old baby, God by my side and sympathetic nurses and doctors around me that didn’t know what to say.

How did I keep my faith during the last year after all I’ve experienced? This is what I know to be true: I had to keep my faith. Without faith in these kinds of situations, people die. Spiritually, mentally or physically, there is grief powerful enough to kill, to transform negatively and permanently. Grief can harden a soul forever, it can cripple a mind, it can stop a beating heart. Faith not only helps us survive, it helps us to live, which is different than merely existing.

But I continue to process the death of my daughter. This is pain that just won’t go away! I can still function. I can control my emotions and crying in public. I can keep a conversation about Sydney flowing, talk about everything she endured with a sense of pride. I am the mother of a strong and brave child. I can keep a smile and an even tone. And it’s not about masking what I feel. This is just the way it is. This is how I live now. But when I am alone and feel appropriate to let the tears flow, they do. And I ache, I physically ache, to hold her, to kiss her. The miracle is, that despite the hurt, my heart remains open to accept God’s healing, prayer from friends, and the unconditional love that is continuously supplied to me by my Sydney, even now that she is no longer physically with me. She is the love of my life!

But Mother’s Day is still on my mind. Not as the anniversary of a terrible discovery, but as a pending, unanswered question of my status as a mother. I am still a mother, after all. But what will my Mother’s Day be like without a child? I have no idea. But I celebrated Sydney’s birthday with joy in my heart, and I have a feeling Mother’s Day for me will have the same tone.

Tags: Sydney, Sylvie Stephens